All the blood vessels in your body laid end to end would reach about 60,000 miles, wrapping around the Earth at least twice and -WOAH! Slow down. Jesus Christ, you haven’t even been born yet. Let’s begin in the beginning, huh? Come on, back we go. Past through your childhood rubbish – try not to freak out. But you’re about to be conceived. Okay? Don’t worry. It won’t last long. Pause for suspense and… Ah, there it is! Out of roughly 100 million sperm, one gets through and fertilizes an egg of your mother’s, creating a zygote. And congratulations! That was probably the most remarkable thing you will ever do. Within about a day, the egg or blastocyst or life wrecker starts dividing like crazy and attaches itself to the inside of the womb called the endometrium. Give it about three weeks and the little sucker already has nerve cells. By about month two, you have little grabby bits, walky bits, and you already sort of resemble a human at about an inch long and a thirtieth of an ounce. Good job. By about month five, your muscles are fairly developed and you might start jiggling about in a medical process known as womb raving. By month seven, your hearing is working and you’re about 14 inches long. And by month nine, hopefully all systems are online. Vision ☑ Vision Movement ☑ Movement A general sense that you know better than your parents for the next 25 years despite total ignorance on literally all matters: Shee-ya, ☑ ☑ And you’re done cooking. And much to the world’s horror, you were born. Welcome to life. Get lots of sunlight. Don’t eat the yellow snow. Off you go then. Good luck. You’ll fucking need it. And gosh is your body clever. You’re probably made of at least 30 trillion cells which come in about 200 flavors. For example: White Blood Cells Neurons Fat Cells Red Blood Cells Somatotropes Lactotropes Thyrotropes TV Tropes Merkel Cell Helper T Cells Suppressor T Cells Model T Cells Unipolar Brush Cells Relative and Absolute Cells and Gametes. And then there is spermatozoon which is only included because when I discovered the word about a week ago, I almost dirtied my undergarments. Spermatozoon. Sometimes cells collect into organs directed by DNA. Organs form systems. There are about 10 systems going on all at once in your body. Nasty stuff first, there’s the renal system, which is made up of the kidneys, ureters, bladder and urethra. Except me because I have no obvious function in the body getting infected and killing you. The kidneys filter blood of nasties which can then be expelled from your body and left on the toilet seat for the next poor person at the bar to come in and find and get blamed for if he doesn’t clean it up. Prick. There’s the cardiovascular/circulatory system which gets blood from A to B and back again. What is blood exactly? Well I’m glad you asked. Red and complicated. It isn’t ever blue when it’s in your veins by the way. That’s bollocks. One regular passenger on the blood underground is oxygen. The lungs absorb oxygen down through the bronchioles into about 300 million alveoli and then into the blood. Your heart keeps the blood flowing about 1,800 gallons of the stuff every day and supply cells with oxygen which is basically how they release energy and do their thing. However, your cells also need foods. Digestion begins in the mouth with saliva, which is full of an enzyme called amylase. It then takes a little trip in the stomach where it’s dissolved by more enzymes, namely pepsin. The first recorded removal of an appendix was in 1735 by the name of Enzymes are the cocaine of digestion, they speed things up. Then food is attacked by acids which break it down mostly into glucose. It moves into the intestines which you have about 25 feet, or 7 meters of and passes into the blood. Your pancreas releases insulin accordingly which tells your cells to stop mucking about and actually absorb the glucose, and you know, like, keep you alive and shit Please? Which it does and if you’re watching this, then congratulations. You in fact, still alive. And that’s also thanks to vitamins. Vitamins are essential for humaning, but your body is crap at producing them. Take vitamin C for example. For some reason humans can’t produce it themselves. And when you don’t get enough, you get other stuff instead. Like scurvy or dead or most likely both. Vitamin B1 is also weird. You only need roughly an ounce spread across your lifetime, which is about 28 grams or as I like to call it a fun evening in. 28 grams is nothing over 80 years. But if you don’t get it you’ll be rewarded with a number of achievements including chronic fatigue, heart complications, and psychosis. Lovely! Then there is the endocrine system Not to be confused with the exocrine or Endor system. This produces hormones. Hormones tell your body to do pretty much everything from sleep to sexy times and imbalances can make you a seriously sad panda. Then there’s the integumentary system which is basically skin and protected tissue. Skin is an organ too by the way. The muscular/skeletal system, fairly self-explanatory. Well, not really. There just aren’t that many orthopedic jokes to be quite honest with you. There’s the reproductive system which is in between your legs and for making the babies. And oh, what’s that? It’s a sternly worded email from YouTube insisting if I talk about dicks again, I won’t have a channel. So moving on. There’s the respiratory system which we kind of covered. Oxygen in, carbon dioxide out. The lymphatic system carries a fluid around your body called lymph -PHHHHHHHHHHH… PHHHHH. Which mainly contains white blood cells and fights infections such as flu, mononucleosis, and greyscale. Finally there’s the nervous system which is a bit like the internet of your body, but without the porn. It’s composed of your central nervous system which is your brain and spinal column and the peripheral nervous systems which carries the signals in between and gets about as much credit as the drummer of Muse, even though they’re both essential for hysteria. However, that in turn is made up of firstly the parasympathetic nervous system, which takes care of business when everything’s chill, and the sympathetic nervous system, which floods the blood with adrenaline when shit’s going down. Or when you happen to find yourself flying Wizz Air sober. Anyway… other notable mentions include – as well as breaking down fats and keeping blood sugar stable. Then there’s Charles de Gall Bladder who
stores bile from the liver. Antibodies or immunoglobulin are pretty clever. They’re produced by white blood cells and they fight off bacteria and viruses. There are five main types: IgM IgG IgA IgD and IgE. And gosh your brain is clever. No really it is. 100 billion neurons and 100 trillion synapses, all connections between them. Just for a bit of perspective, a billion seconds is 31 years, a trillion seconds is about 31,000 years. So that’s quite a few synapses. Yeah. Lots of interesting spots: the visual cortex, the auditory cortex, and this bit, the prefrontal cortex among other things regulates you not being a fucking idiot. And impulse control. And it only properly matures in most adults around age 25. Probably explaining a number of your questionable life decisions prior to that. Anything afterwards, I’m afraid you are probably just being a bellend. There’s also the consciousness cortex explaining where sentience comes from NOT but all the same, in a way we’re not even close to explaining yet; all these cells and electrical impulses somehow come together to create a unified sense of you. And if I may say so, what a lovely job they’re doing so far. So that’s your body, sort of. Not really. But sort of. Cheers evolution! Could do with a bit of bug fixing though. For version 2, can we please get rid of hiccups, uh… morning breath, throwing up a bit in your own mouth, sharting, and untimely erections at funerals. That’d be great. Still, not a bad piece of engineering. Lots of systems running parallel, maintained by cell regeneration, trying to trick you into making babies until it all goes wrong somewhere down the line, ending in oblivion. So in the meantime, How about go for a walk or something? Buy a boat, do a handstand, smell the roses. Actually yeah, we forgot about that one. The nose is really quite complicated and it’s an extremely important appendage compared to No I… I said appendage… like… Oh fuck. I’m so tired of your shit.